I don’t know if anyone love to read my stuff here – most of it kind of personal – but here I am writing more stuff, still. I can’t commit to the regular or schedule-type of postings, so blog updates usually happen based on my mood; also knowing that my weblog here will remain active as long as I kept renewing my domain every year.
I was away for a reason – I was sick. Well, that wasn’t something new if you have been following my blog for some time, you’ll know it for sure. This year particularly, I had been struggling with prolong bleeding for many months; I didn’t go to see the doctor because I was afraid they might throw me with bad news, and also I was worried I couldn’t afford the medical bills. In mid August, courage calls in, and I went for a checkup.
Immediately, the gynecologist told me I need to be admitted. After 4 years I hadn’t seen him, he was surprised that I gained lots and lots of weight. The hormonal imbalance (after my miscarriage) and depression were the main culprit. I was ashamed and I felt like I am living in someone else’s body all this while. I isolated myself from the real world.
Anyhow, to keep it short, I went through a procedure called hysteroscopy due to endopolyps growth. This is not the first time I did a scope – once I had done colonoscopy and endoscopy for different reasons. The thing is, this time, I had major pain. They injected my backbone that made me unconscious, and when I’m back conscious, I was half-numb (feels more like half-paralyze) for more than 6 hours that I couldn’t even move an inch. I could not feel my waist, my legs, and everything down below. At the same time, I struggled with the backbone and uterus pain, that I wasn’t able to walk properly for weeks. I was also told that I suffered endometrial hyperplasia.
I could say I am much better now, but I have not recovered and still on medication. I had to skip all other physical activities. Despite all of that, if I must say, there were also some good things that happened in between, such as: I had cleared all my debts, I bought a new gaming laptop, I reached 10K milestone for my novel writing, and my short story was recently picked by an art-centric website.
At the point of writing this post, it was raining, with Mogwai playlist in the background. What triggered me to write this post in the first place was when I noticed a business card in one of my book; my name was written on it when I was still working as a Project Manager in one of the firm. It made me think that my life was once good; I had climbed a high career ladder even before I was 30. It was those times when I made quite an income, my relationship was stable, my body were in a good shape; I was really a very strong and independent woman.
I was. I used to.
I stared at the downpour rain through my window. It made me ponder to the array of ‘what if?’, ‘what will?’, ‘what could have happened?’ I don’t think I am happy with myself when I think about ‘what change?’. Here I am, going to 33, jobless, struggle with sickness and obesity, struggle to keep up and rebuild my relationship, no kids, still isolating myself from everyone, and still wonder about my real existence and purpose in life. Most of my friends had moved on, and here I am still hanging. I tried to do good deeds, but it came back to feeling empty. Was it an inferiority complex, or midlife crisis, or endless depression triggers, I’d rather not know.
It somehow reminded me of Albert Camus saying: “Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”
I’d say, I will go with cups of coffee for as long as I could.