Reality Check – When the Silence Gets Too Loud

Do you ever get accelerated upon stumbling into articles which were written something like this: “How Do I Quit My Job and Travel the World”? If you do, let’s give ourselves a big, group hug. In some such way, this subject became an overrated trending, especially among the 20s and 30s – either they are yearning to experience it, or simply ignoring it thinking that doesn’t make any sense.

This post has another kind of story. Go on read it if you’re interested to know (setback alert: it has nothing got to do with quitting job or fly across the globe or whatsoever).

How It Started

backpackMy life has been painted with the colors of dilemma and uncertainties for the past months – the year of resilient, strenuous and difficulties. I have been devoted in keeping my target to not travel anywhere this year, but later I let the situation decides for me and it winds up that I need to step away from the perpetual bullshits and misery. Everyday, I kept thinking: Is this my real life or am I breathing underwater?

Frankly speaking, I realized my life is dreadful more than I actually thought. I felt that all I ever wanted to do is just to pack up, leave out of the blue without saying anything to anyone, like just leave and start a new life. I need a substantial assessment to determine if my circumstances or expectations satisfy my reality. Eventually, I decided to travel all by myself and leave all the mess for a while.

Before It Commence

The first few weeks before I actually began my short trip, I was feeling apprehensive completely; the trembles and the losing control. It was nerve-wrecking and uptight situation. I felt as if I will get lost in the middle of the international airport, or if I ended up at the wrong terminal and missed my flight, or if I will lost my backpack somewhere. Suddenly all of these fears haunted me. Why? Because of a definite answer – that I will be all alone. And when you’re in solitary, your brain does the over-thinking and creates problems that aren’t there in the first place.

The Actual Journey

When I first stepped into the departure terminal, everything just went smoothly within my subconscious mind. Suddenly you became the navigation expert. One after another, you just knew where to go and what to do.

Eventually, you just realized that you were the first person to sit all by yourself, waiting at the boarding gate with the passport and boarding pass in your hands, listening to the iPod worth of 600 playlist channeling your moment of loneliness. You were munching chocolate bars, filling up some forms and start reading a book, and just waiting.

At this moment of time, the fear departs and the calmness arrived. It felt as if there’s no one else could notice your existence. Every so often, your mind stops wandering. You observed people surround you where everyone has at least a partner with them, or friends or family. And here you are all by yourself, with nobody sits on your right or left. You began to feel the loneliness, but after a while you will just be soaring back into your own perfect little dreamworld.

Escaping the Reality

In the plane, I was seating by the window, sipping a black coffee and enjoying daydreaming with the magnificent view. Thereafter, I have my phone switched to airplane mode, which means this will be the final instant where I could correspond with my reality. My mind start wanders again. Will this be the last day of my life? If I still have a soul, what would I do with it? What happens after I reach my destination? What will be next? Would I regret about my past or would I be happy for the future?

Trust me, you will only have these mind-boggling reflection when you are alone. In most times, you won’t be able to answer your endless questions, and end up in the circle of “what if?” or just continue being in the loop of “what’s next?

The Final Destination

During my 8-days trip, I met a friend for the first time. I portrayed my intention that this trip wasn’t like a vacation but more of self-exploration – to escape from my reality, to be away from common circles of people, to traverse about being solo, to discover my passion, to figure out what future could bring me.

You could depict it as “Eat Pray Love” kind of thing; but I didn’t abandon my ‘baggage’ altogether. I was just taking a break, momentarily.

My friend and I had boundless, overwhelming long conversations, essentially deep talks about life and its meaning. We exchanged our views and experiences. We talked about general interests, family, friends, work, financial, relationships, the past, the future, and the current phase of life.

Back in my real life, all we talked about was the hatred towards the government, or someone gave birth or just got promoted, meaningless gossips about celebrity, or how we cursed about our job and the bad traffic, or how to bring in more money which was never enough. The conversations were about frustration, anger or dissatisfaction. All I could comprehend was, many of them were just…complaining.

When I was lounging at the Cape Panwa Beach, life moves at slower pace. I was mesmerized by the simple-minded people and the minimalism of life. It was a serenity scene – nobody was in a rush to be somewhere, and no one speaks so fast as if 24 hours wasn’t enough, and there isn’t any rat race. Everything felt differently in a good way. It’s exactly what I needed the most.

I figured that I might be dreaming, so I looked at the sky, closed my eyes, and envisioned the surrounding will change. The breezy wind, the cold rains, the infinity sea, the chirping birds, all right there, still visible after I open my eyes. Nothing changes. You could only hear nature speaks and seizing the moment of peace.

What I Have Learnt

As earlier mentioned, my journey isn’t something biggie. It wasn’t a story about quitting my job, pack my bag, and end up being somewhere new. This is just a story of an ordinary girl, travelling alone without any sense of direction, getting quick escapes, to do a reality check.

From the modest adventure, I predominantly learnt about:

  1. Independent – I managed to overcome my fear and low self-confidence. I developed self-reliant and how to be on one’s own. I learnt how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
  2. Deep thinking and re-evaluating your own life. This is very important and I could not stress more about this. A reality check is what I needed all this while and I have never realized that.
  3. My patience when I have nothing, and my attitude when I have everything.
  4. Appreciate little things and be more attentive of the surroundings. No matter how good or bad your life is, wake up and be thankful that you still have one.
  5. Not to be afraid of change. You may end up losing something good, but you’ll probably end up gaining something so much better.
  6. Believing my ability to figure things out. I could start imagining about my future that I may have wanted it to be, learning to see where my passion lies at and making my dreams happen no matter how hard it gets.
  7. Putting myself first, but not being selfish. I’m not perfect, but I’m always myself. And obviously life is too short to give a shit about what people think of yourself.
  8. Nothing is too late, and it’s never too late. I don’t get what I wish for, I get what I work for. If I keep doubting myself and wait until I’m ready, I’ll be waiting for the rest of my life. Self-reminder: Doubts kills more dreams than failures.
  9. The best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anyone.
  10. The world is big, like really big. And the nature is calling for next exploration.

……

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending – Maria Robinson”.

Currently Listening: Metric – Help I’m Alive 

3 thoughts on “Reality Check – When the Silence Gets Too Loud

  1. ayaayoba says:

    hey babe..

    Finally you are here, been waiting for your update… Congratulation on your first solo trip alone. From this post, i knew that you are doing great. Can’t wait for your next post. 🙂 Take care girl. Dream big. 🙂

  2. That Unique* Weblog says:

    Just today I was realizing that since kids I have not traveled out of the country. The 12 years before that were full of Central American and Europe and Mexico and more. Traveling alone makes me brave and sure of myself. Or being “in charge” can also bring that feeling. I miss it. Glad you had a wonderful experience.

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