Strolling down the memory lane, my mind was devoted to aimlessly wander before bedtime, and it was the periodicity of my relationship with ‘xanax’. It was tremendous experiences during that hour in your bedroom where your brain refused to sleep but demands to be irritatingly-genius; the instance where your mind splashed abundant of solicitous moments and imaginative ideas at 2 AM.
Momentarily, things changed presently. Despite my lack of sleep, I could easily doze off (without any pills) at any unspecified moment, but in most cases, during late hours.
There is this brand-new place and time where my mind starts to do its miraculous job like before – In a bathroom, late evening, during hot shower; more accurately, under a rain-shower. At any time I took my shower, it felt similar to standing under the rain clouds in the middle of nowhere. It was fantastic, harmonious, and ingenuity at the same time. After the shower, I started to write, a lot. It wasn’t my utter intention to let those bizarre and wacky memories to just drain into the sinkhole, thus I flush them out into my notebook alternatively.
Imagine having that tranquility moment by yourself, at your finest space, and then ultimately turn to be… oblivion.
It was late evening on 7-June. I tolerated myself after my workout routines and cooking to go to my newly-favorite spot. Everything seems completely normal earlier that morning. I let my mind started with the inexplicable meditating during the shower – Thinking about the days, life and people, memories, my future plans.
For all that, my frontal lobe of the brain burnt the candle at both ends on that occasion.
During that moment, I perceived I couldn’t open my eyes at slightest inch. My thinking was shutdown abruptly and my knees were trembling. I could not sense my own feet, seemingly felt like there was an earthquake outside. Explicitly, it appeared like the amnesia. For the initial time, my mind went completely blank. The only moment I acquired was that my heart still pumps the blood.
Midnight, I heard many voices. There was this doctor that does this gentle slap on my cheek and calling my name. With my eyes still shut, I was literally had that vision of white, bright lights in the vicinity. My surrounding was so pure and pearly as if there was snow. It felt cold and windy, but amicable. There wasn’t anyone else except myself.
Maybe it was Atlantic, or maybe it was Heaven.
Hearing my name being called like millions of times, I decided to leave that whitish-place, and tried painstakingly enough to open my eyes. Back in reality, I was told that an ambulance brought me. I was informed that my oxygen level was good, I didn’t have any asthma attack, my heart is fine, my blood pressure is low, as usual, but not critical. There were too many facts and figures given, plenty of names-calling, and all I could comprehend was, my anatomy of brain hurts the most. Not damages, just dizziness.
Eventually, I am back to my home again after 3 days of hospitalization. I am having recurrent episodes of giddiness and occasional series of headache nevertheless, and still in constant medication. I don’t have much of a clue from the mysterious accident, from which I suspected a vertigo attack at first, but later was told that I had some sort of ‘vasovagal’. I am required to attend several doctors’ appointment in the upcoming days, but meantime, there are not many issues that could be resolved. I go to my regular job in a precaution mode and handful of meds this time around.
Somehow I realized the only one thing I could do is just to wish that every single thing to return to ordinary; that my vision is clearer or I have lesser frequencies of headache. I never knew that I could have been traumatized by my own rain-showered bathroom. My mind was unable to do its exploration anymore, my thoughts were completely gone, and I am reluctant to close my eyes during the shower once more.
Conceivably, I should look for another place where I could feel as if the rain would wash away all my pain again. Or when that moment where you can’t distinguish whether it was the rain or the tears that was streaming down essentially.
“Where I will find peace other than in oblivion?” – Sorin Cerin
Currently Listening: Blue Oyster Cult – Flaming Telepaths