Before you decided to continue reading, please allow me to gently remind you that this post is brimmed with many emotions – overwhelming, heartbroken, hope, misery and confusion.
Initially, I’ve mentioned in my previous post that plenty of my life stories were concealed because of the unreasonable moment. Well, this is one of it.
At this point of time, many of you perhaps are completely aware about the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 since 8-Mar-2014. It was still a mysterious case indeed which has broke many hearts and tears. People all over the world gathered with their hope and prayers for the passengers on board and their loved ones, although everyone was clueless of what has actually happened and how it does. The only thing we know is that we have lost several lives for unknown reason.
In any case, I was going through similar instant of losing another life of my own 2 days before the missing airplane became worldwide breaking news.
Ultimately, I have self-assured to overcome my depression, and splash out the unfortunate story to all my readers and also for reminding myself to be strong and learn to accept that everything happens for a reason. And it is always an unknown reason. Writing this post in the most difficult situation somehow turns to be really devastating.
Primarily, I started my intensive exercise routines early this year as part of my 2014 goals. For the first time in my life, I manage to discipline myself and followed the workout schedule. However, coming to the beginning of February, things have changed.
I was diagnosed with a severe and prolong lower abdominal pain. Approximately 2 years ago, I was told that I had a cyst at my left ovary but it was minor. From the last checkup that I went early this year, I was informed by another doctor that he has suspected a growth (about 3-5 cm in size) at my ovary and I was prescribed by some medication to control and cure the growth.
That night when the pain returns, I went for another checkup. The gynecologist dropped me with a set of 3 updates about my lower abs condition – signs of urine tract infection (UTI), history of cyst and a positive pregnancy. I was puzzled and my heart stops beating for few seconds.
During that moment, I wasn’t certain whether I should be terrified or happy. I was confused. It felt so complicated and tasteless like eating a sugar candy with a chili salsa.
Days after that, I quit my exercise routines. I chose the healthiest food to eat. I spent my time mostly in the hospital for specialist appointments. I shared the good and bad news to immediate families. I bought many new pregnancy books and few extra loose clothes as a preparation. On that occasion, I was still confused and believe I was living in my dreams. It was my first experience with indescribable emotions. After a while I was immune to the pain at my lower abdomen. Overall, I was paying full attention and putting extra care to myself.
Until the night of 6-Mar, the pain became unbearable. I came back home from work dealing with so much pain at my belly and backbone, and I wasn’t capable to do anything except for lying on my bed. I caught myself awake in the middle of the night because I was bleeding so extremely all of a sudden. I cried so hard and deep inside my heart, I’ve had a bad feeling about myself but still putting a small hope.
That midnight was the first night I felt like I have lost every single thing in my life. I was brought to an emergency room and the bleed and pain was intense. Hours after that, the specialist dropped me with another news – I was miscarriage at about 7-8 weeks age of pregnancy. Funny thing was, I never cried at that time. Perhaps I have nothing else to say or my emotions are just…dead.
Here and now where I am writing this post, I am still in a recovering stage and has not been working for about 2 weeks. That explains clearly the reasons of my disappearance from my blog and social networking for quite some time. I was living in an uncertainty, insecurity and dealing with pain from both mental and physical.
Finally it came to my senses. I was being given by God the greatest gift of my entire life, and I never expect that would happen. This is my first lifetime experience of HAVING and LOSING at a sudden brief period of time. It is a sad moment of truth.
Nowadays, it makes a lot of difference – That feeling when I get up every morning and not being able to talk to someone inside my tummy. That feeling when I stopped calling myself a mother. That feeling when I glimpsed at my stack of pregnancy books and new pair of clothes. Or when I saw my friends sharing their child’s photo and can’t stop talking about them. When I heard someone’s baby crying or seeing a pregnant woman. When I go to bed and unable to sleep calmly like I was before.
All this while I am an introvert and I love being by myself. But for once this time, I felt extremely alone.
“Hello My Little Darling… Thank you for giving me the chance to be your temporary mummy. I am so sorry for the unknown reasons, for not being able to take good care of you, for not being able to stay with you longer. I am so sorry for everything. I hope I could say my Good Morning to you when the sun rises again and together, we could read books about you before I say my Goodnight. I don’t wish to bid my deepest farewell but for now, I have to say my Goodbye and letting you know that I will always love you…even just for a while.” – Myself, March 2014