Okay so I wanted to come up with a new series called “One Word for Many Words”. Basically, you just got to write multiple words describing about one word that keeps coming in your mind or that has significant impact to your life (you simply just can’t get rid of it). It’s like playing ‘Scrabble’, where you can make up few more words from a single word. Anyway, this post will be the first in my series, and my first word that I picked is ‘Unpredictable’. So here the story goes:
Unpredictable. That’s the initial and one of the words that I engaged to interpret myself in front of a stranger or when meeting a new friend, asking the worthless question: “Tell me about yourself?”. A self introductory.
On first impression, ‘unpredictable’ sounded negativity. Precisely, most of the time it does. I believed that’s just me. Yes, I’m unpredictable. My characteristics are too complex and my interest seems to be varying most of the time. I easily get bored and hate adhering to rules and routines. I prefer surprises, spontaneous and deliberately trying out something new and different. I discovered that kind of life is way more interesting and adventurous. So, that’s the good part. And, the bad part is – I lost focus. I eventually don’t have a principle in life. I couldn’t really tell what was my actual, realistic dream, or even able to describe what I’m actually good at specifically. I couldn’t see the real me. Even though I can easily adapt to any changes or new environment, I am still unpredictable not only at my own characteristics, but also my feeling.
Generally by year end or during midyear, I will review and evaluate myself. I tried to lay out my Manifesto early this year for me to have some things to focus on, aiming for life changes in a better way. As months passed by, I have plenty of new stuff that I would like to try and achieve without knowing how to start or how it should end. Considering my late twenties, I had a couple of regretful moments which I missed to do when I was still at a younger age. I blamed myself for not going to art school just because I listened to people around me saying I can’t manage my life by doing just art. I blamed myself for so many other things and thinking “why wasn’t I”? It’s started to get absolutely intimidating when on one fine day you woke up, you were energetic and so motivated to start up your life, and the next day you woke up, you felt yourself became such a loser, so miserable and demotivated. This is what I perceived as unpredictable. And that’s me.
I was talking to some friends recently, the reason of why I started to hate social networking so much since the past few months. I can’t accept the fact that most people around my circle have achieved what they have dream of. I hate to see them succeeded beyond my expectation (or God knows maybe even beyond their own expectations). These people were about the same range of age as me. They have stepped into a financially stable stage, they get to travel to any places that they’ve always wanted, they were unconditionally happy with their significant other, they have a perfect home at a perfect location, and they have gorgeous car and beautiful family. How can such person at about my age are doing somewhat a 40 or 50 year old can only achieve?
Browsing through the net (as what bloggers interpreted as ‘blog-walking’), I read about a young couple in one way or another living life at what I thought was supposed to be pictured as my life. Both of them were doing extremely well – achieving and pursuing what they’ve always wanted to do in their lives. This is not only a one person story, its 2 people, together. Surely it blew my mind away, and the enviousness begins to creep in. Sensibly, in this situation you are supposed to be happy for that person. However, that doesn’t happen all the time. What usually happen is, you’ll be thinking about yourself, your life, and start comparing. Thereupon it leads you to thinking why it doesn’t happen the same way for you. And you’ll be screaming out loud that life is unfair, right?
I distinguish myself sitting in a pool of debts still. I see myself implicated into something I wasn’t sure what’s going to happen near future. I stood at the bottleneck – not knowing if I should make a right or a left turn. In a perfect little world, I should be extremely happy at all time, now that I have been living on my own (Oh yes, I haven’t mentioned to you guys that I have finally moved to my new home, stayed for about 2 weeks now and still at the cleaning phase). Leaving aside, back to the main topic, basically it all narrows down to the uncertainties which has turned me crazy:
- Do I over-thinking or worry too much?
- Does the jealousy overtake me?
- Am I not being grateful?
- Am I trying so hard being someone else?
- Or proving that I’m capable of doing anything just to impress others?
- Is this showing another round of quarter life crisis?
Driven by crazy thoughts, I know.
What am I good at exactly? I honestly have no clue. Surely there have got to be some fantastic things about me, but I guess I just can’t see it apparently. It’s always been blurry. I realized I’m not even close to that level of almost-perfect. And I’m always looking for many ways to improvise. Sometimes, it’s just way too many until it become so exhaustive. And I lost the REAL me. All the daring, spontaneous and excitement in me will just disappeared. When having that shitty feeling, I’ll stick to just be ignorance, to calm myself.
I’m unpredictable. And I’m random. As simple as that.
At present, I don’t’ have any internet connection at my new home, so I’m writing this post at my office desk early in the morning when no one is around, the surroundings are still dark, thinking to myself what the hell am I still doing here. Similarly to this weird feeling, I am planning to read through again few books that I’ve purchased years ago, when time permits. To me, it was a great pick and I suggest you should try reading them when you felt almost the same way as I do:
- What Should I Do With My Life? – by Po Bronson
- How to Stop Worrying and Start Living – by Dale Carnegie
- Getting Unstuck – by Timothy Butler
Have you ever had those crazy questions running in your mind? Did you realized that, at some point of time, you’ve became someone else and tried to step back to be the REAL you? Do you feel uncertainties in yourself? Or do you think life itself is unpredictable?
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner
Currently Listening: Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men